First up, the man who missed out on a hot date with an internet bird after being followed about town by the fag police.
A MAN who was pursued through town and threatened with arrest by the "fag butt police" missed out on a hot date as a result.
Ian Butcher was waiting for a bus in Folkestone, en route to see a woman he had met online, when XFor officers swooped on January 4. The 44-year-old said he felt "intimidated and victimised" by their manner – and that he had not even dropped any litter.
We can all start to expect more of this nonsense. A group of thugs with powers to issue tickets, who get paid for every one they issue.
"I do smoke but I hadn't been smoking. I'd had one in the pub garden, then walked up to the bus station. The next thing, I was accused of dropping rubbish.
"I asked them to point out which cigarette end they were saying I'd dropped and they refused. I'd have thought that with no proof, they'd have to drop it but then they started threatening me with arrest."
They don't even need proof. They don't even care about proof. Point out the fag butt I dropped is a reasonable request. If they refuse to do that, the ticket surely can't be lawful?
A Shepway District Council spokesman said: "We do not believe our enforcement officers acted in an intimidating way. They will respond appropriately. If Mr Butcher believes the fixed penalty should not have been issued, he could allow the matter to go to court and plead not guilty."
Obviously not. They can fine you and take you to court without even attempting to get proof that you have broken the law. And we all know what the outcome would be if this does go to court, don't we boys and girls.
The father-of-two has been given the video taken by one of the XFor officers that day. It shows him getting on to the bus while the officer informs a passer-by he is "having someone arrested".
Mr Butcher then gets off the bus and walks away towards Grace Hill. The officers following can be heard to say: "You're just making an idiot of yourself" and "you're being a pain in the a***".
Eventually, the group meets a police officer, called by XFor, to whom Mr Butcher gives his details.
Mr Butcher said: "I thought people were innocent until proven guilty and as they couldn't prove it, everything from the start on is victimisation and harassment – I hadn't even dropped litter.
How did we allow a police state to develop? I hope these XFor goons are employed in Darwen soon. I for one would welcome our new fag butt overlords. It would make for some interesting blog posts.
Next we have the chap who goes to court to have his porn returned by the police. This one didn't half make oi larf.
A DISABLED man with a liking for pornography took the police to court to demand they return his huge collection of explicit adult movies.
Police arrested Anthony Gerrard, right, three times on suspicion of possessing indecent images of children, seizing six PCs and laptops.
Out of the many gigabytes of porn this man amassed, they did find 11 pictures that might have been underage porn.
Although 11 illegal pictures were found on four hard drives, they had been downloaded automatically to parts of the computers Mr Gerrard could not have accessed without specialist tools or techniques.
Not pressing any charges, officers returned two of the computers but kept the ones containing child pornography and took Mr Gerrard to court for the forfeiture and destruction of the hard drives.
You see, they didn't get him for child porn, but to them, all porn is sinful. They decided they were going to destroy his collection anyway, but he fought the law... and the law won.
Police are not allowed to return hard drives with child pornography on them, because they would then be distributing illegal material.
Mr Gerrard, of Broadfield Road, Knowle, argued they could have deleted the child pornography or transferred them to another device and given him the adult images back.
Digital evidence recovery officer Scott Eggins told the court: "Deletion in a computer sense is a very complicated matter. There is no such thing as a permanent deletion on computers unfortunately – or fortunately. There is no way of permanently deleting it, short of putting it through a shredder."
If this officers speciality really is digital evidence recovery, then that statement is a bare faced lie. It's very easy to destroy digital files on a hard disk.
When you delete a file, all that really happens is the filename is removed. This leaves the information on the disk, but if the disk space is needed, the computer will write over it because the filename has gone.
To remove it completely you need to overwrite the data with something else. There are many free programs you can download from the internet to do this.
"I paid £40 for a month's subscription to a website and I was downloading films from it day and night. I wanted to get my money's worth.
"I'm not interested in child porn. I don't think it's fair they are keeping my computers when I haven't done anything illegal.
"They cost me a couple of thousand pounds in total. Every time the police took two computers away, I would buy another two."
Mr Gerrard, who has been married four times and is estranged from his son, added: "The good thing about having a computer is you can switch it off when you've finished – you can't switch off a wife."
I love this guy.
And finally we have another one who contests parking tickets by first going to the papers.
SOUTH Lakeland District Council has apologised and backed down after issuing a parking ticket to a motorist who had crashed in the snow.
Catherine Niblock, 26, was issued the penalty after being forced to abandon her car on Friday night, when heavy snow sent it hurtling into another vehicle on Beast Banks, Kendal.
The PE teacher explained she was left ‘hysterical and shaken’ after the incident.
Passers-by who saw the crash rushed to her aid, helping her push the Peugeot on to the nearby Low Fellside car park, run by SLDC for permit holders.
Normally I would have a bit of sympathy for the driver, considering my pathological hatred of council jobsworths.
Not in this case though. She's another one of those who has to overstate the proverbial molehill. She didn't crash her car and think, "Oh crap! There goes my no claims". She was hysterical and shaken.
There's only one way to deal with hysterical women:
Also, notice how it was heavy snow that sent her car hurtling down the street? Well according to the total fisking she takes in the comments, the hill she was on is so steep, she had no business driving down it in that kind of weather.
She crashed into someone elses car, causing them a whole heap of grief, because of her own stupidity.
I'm quite content to put the ticket down to the same reason.