Shakespeare was a peado

It seems everyone who was famous in the past is now a suspect in the great peado witch hunt. Well Shakespeare was definitely famous and I've got it on good authority that he like to roger young girls.

Well the average lifespan was about twelve or something back then, so he must have liked them young.

But that's no excuse to modern puritanism.

If I can make this rumour take flight, maybe Shakespeare will be taken out of the school curriculum and I can spare kids everywhere, the tedium of A Midsummer Nights Dream. That would be a good thing for everyone. Let's face it, the only reason Shakespeare is still discussed and read, is to torture school kids. There's no other excuse for it.

Maybe the police could raid his house along with the BBC, to look for 'evidence'. I believe it's still standing in Stratford, is it?

Or is that some other peado? They were all as bad as each other, you know.

Minimum excise tax on fags - The silliest argument I've ever heard.

Spotted over at Ken Frosts place, here's a consultation by HMRC for the introduction of a minimum excise tax on tobacco.

So what does that mean? Get this:

Tax on fags is a good way to get people to quit.
Therefore, tax on fags is high.
Therefore, consumption of (UK taxable) fags is going down.
Therefore...

...Tax revenue is going down.

So what do they want to do about the missing money? That's right, they want to put the tax up.

Don't just take my word for it, go have a read yourself. It's hilarious.

A recent trend in the cigarette market has been the significant growth of the cheapest cigarette category. If this trend is indicative of a market shift towards cheaper cigarettes, it presents a risk to the effectiveness of tobacco policy in its role to protect future revenues and reduce smoking rates.

Protect future revenues and reduce smoking rates, the two being obviously mutually exclusive.

Our hard or thinking HMRC want to change the tax rules so that tax isn't chargeable on the value of the tobacco, but is rather charged at a flat rate. That flat rate being the highest rate applied to all tobacco.

Estimates of cigarette category market shares, as at 2009, suggest that consumers are switching away from more expensive cigarette categories, in favour of cheaper cigarette categories. This switch is often referred to as “down-trading.” As described in a recent study of the UK cigarette market, between 2001 and 2009 the market share of the cigarette categories at the higher end of the market broadly declined while the market shares of the lower end of the cigarette market broadly increased.1 Graph 1.A is replicated from this study and illustrates these trends

Yes, as prices go up, people pick cheaper options. This reduces tax take and in order to protect that take, they want to respond by removing cheaper options.
Except they cannot remove the cheaper option of buying your tobacco abroad or even from a man in a van. Or quitting, which also doesn't help revenues.

These people are supposed to be intelligent.

So let's bring in a minimum fag tax and watch the tax take begin to plummet. You know what their response to that situation will be?

My money is on another tax hike. That should sort it!

Always milking it



Oh F...!


So a road sweeper is driving down the street, when it makes a rather ambitious attempt to get through a narrow gap and ends up damaging a car. For reasons unknown, the driver doesn't bother to stop. Fortunately, one of the neighbours has CCTV which caught the whole thing.

An old bird wrote Mrs Buckos car off last week by crashing into it and another one, while they were parked up. Mrs B has just replaced the wreck with a £1500 Land Rover Freelander, the most expensive car we have ever owned. She's pig in shit, happy.

Anyhoo, that story never made the papers. Why? Because quotes like...

No bother, the insurance company are taking care of it.

...don't get you your fifteen minutes.

You want something that gushes emotion. Oh, here's a good one:

The 31-year-old mother-of-one, who is seven months pregnant, said she had been visiting an ill relative when the crash happened.

Mother. Pregnant. Visiting ill relative. That ticks a few boxes.

Why are they always pregnant or ill or both? And what difference does it make to the insurance claim?

Just bloody milking it.

Silly people

Everything causes cancer. At least that's what we keep hearing. In fact we hear it so much, people become petrified of the things that we are told cause cancer. Their fear can become so irrational that it can turn into active hatred for other people who use, consume and enjoy the things we are told cause cancer.

Even where there is no shred of evidence, nor has there ever been, that they are in any danger.

Passive smoking? Nope, CB radio masts.

A radio enthusiast who erected a 30ft mast in his back garden without planning permission has dismissed claims it could give neighbours cancer.
Armando Martins, 73, has also had to fight off accusations the signal from the 10-metre aerial is interfering with people’s pacemakers and hearing aids.
But residents at the Thornhurst sheltered bungalow complex in Beltinge are continuing their battle to get the mast taken down, with Mr Martins recently forced to apply for retrospective planning permission.

There are many people who believe various kinds of radio waves cause cancer, yet there has never been any evidence to support this theory.

Yet here we have a group of old people in sheltered housing who, because of their ignorant theories, want this radio enthusiast to give up his hobby. The reasons they give could be hilarious in other circumstances.

Next-door neighbour Rose Clayson, 78, has lived at the complex for five years. She said: “Last year I developed cancer, and since then three others nearby have also have got it. It could just be a coincidence.

Yes it could be. It could also be down to the fact that you're 78 years old. Cancer is a disease of old age.

“It also affects my hearing aid because I hear a buzzing noise, and is doing something to my television signal. When we get any bad weather we get howling through our television aerial.”

So the aeriel creates bad weather which in turn interferes with the telly? And how do you know the aeriel causes the buzzing noise in your hearing aid? Maybe it's just fucked?

Fellow resident Carol Barfoot said: “He has not got planning permission for it and whenever other residents want to put up something like a satellite television dish, we’re told we can’t.

That's another issue. That's just jealousy. You didn't get your toy so he shouldn't be allowed to have his.

“Four people in the complex have been diagnosed with cancer all virtually next door to each other.

You'll find that happens quite often in areas of sheltered accommodation where the residents are all getting on a bit and quite susceptible to cancer. You'll find a few alcoholics down the sally army too.

“It doesn’t affect all pacemakers, but some people have told me it’s making them not work the way they are supposed to. One man told me he was fine until he moved here a year ago.”

What happens when a pacemaker doesn't work properly? I wonder if anyone has gone to the doctors to find out exactly what is wrong with their pacemakers or if it's just easier to blame a CB mast?

But Mr Martins, who has operated a radio since 1962 and erected the mast in 2012, denied that it can cause health problems and interrupt hearing aids or pacemakers.
He said: “People don’t understand and ask ‘what is that big aerial for?’, but they don’t understand and don’t know what it’s about.
“I get all sorts of remarks made, saying it interrupts with television or pacemakers, but it broadcasts on a totally different frequency. How can a piece of metal interfere?”

Quite.

He said: “It’s people who don’t know what it’s about and who are interfering and giving me grief all the time. It’s my hobby, but everywhere I go people complain. It makes my life hell.”

East Kent Housing Association runs the complex and says mediation between Mr Martins and his neighbours has broken down.

There should be no need for mediation. These interfering numb nuts should be told to get lost.

Its manager, Michelle Simmonds, added tests carried out by Ofcom have not revealed evidence of any interference from the mast.

Ahh. Evidence. I wonder if that will shut them up?

Nah.

The comments are worth a read.

Friday Tunes

I wasn't going to do a Friday Tunes tonight as I'm straight off to Mrs Buckos allotment after work to commence some much needed clear up. It's totally overgrown and really needs sorting out fast if we have any hope of growing anything on it next year.

But there I was, reading the Friday Funnies over at Microdaves.

why not pop over to Bucko’s and see if he’s got some more tunes to keep you entertained. (He better had, after this plug….)

What choice do I have? Here's some tunes. I hope you find them entertaining. I'm off to do battle with a field full of weeds, with the aid of some rusty gardening tools, a case of Boddingtons and a big cigar.